Putting together my thoughts for this post was really difficult because of the sensitive nature of the topic and because I am aware there will be many different reactions on it all. I’m asking that you please take the time to read through all of this with an open heart and mind. This isn’t something that everyone would choose to do, but after a lot of thought and prayer, I have decided it’s the right way to do it for our family. Being a Navy family for the past 20 years has meant that we don’t live near family, and our friends are spread all over the world. Honestly, most people here on my Facebook page are people I might never be in the same room with again. But, if we are “friends on Facebook” then there is a good reason. Which means that all of you are loved, appreciated and special to my family and myself and sharing the important events and changes in my life is something that happens right here. So, although this isn’t the most personal way to talk about this, I also cannot make individual calls or send emails, texts, etc. so here we go……

In May, Olivia came out to us and told us that as far as her sexual identity, she identifies as Pansexual and her gender identity is Genderqueer. Although, even in our conversation tonight, she told me she's still exploring exactly how she feels about her gender and things have already shifted and changed a little even since May. What she does know is that she is not only attracted to boys, and she doesn't feel like a girl 100% of the time. So, as we get involved in support groups and such, she might narrow things down, and maybe not. It really doesn’t matter either way though. Today, this is how she identifies. In the simplest terms, she wants to love a person for their hearts, not their parts. And she does not identify as a female or a male, but a little of both and is still exploring exactly what her gender identity is, and the term Genderqueer is a more umbrella term that covers the spectrum of gender identities.

We are choosing to tell you this, with Olivia’s permission, because we want to be able to openly share our lives with you and we want everyone to know Olivia as her authentic self. Keeping such an important part of our life from everyone has not felt good. I walked around for months with a knot in the pit of my stomach, not because I was ashamed, or sad, or angry, but because I felt like I was keeping a secret from people I cared about and we were living a double life. I felt like by not sharing, I might be giving my child the impression that I didn’t want anyone to know, and that is definitely not the case. In conversations, she had talked about wanting everything to be out in the open, so we are all on the same page about that. And since yesterday was National Coming Out Day, I figured that it would be the perfect time to rip the Band-Aid and share this post.

Each person who has a “different” gender identity will have a different preference as far as pronouns go. At first, Olivia had told us that she would prefer us not to use the pronouns she or her while talking about her, because right now, although she is not sure exactly what her gender identity is, she knows she does not feel like a female 100% of the time. As of our conversation last night, she explained that currently she isn’t bothered by the female pronouns, and feels comfortable with any of the she/her, he/him, or they/them. That might change again at some point, doesn’t matter though. But just for educations sake, people choose their pronouns based on their own preferences and comfort levels, and it's important that you learn (and don't assume) the pronouns of someone. Once you learn a person’s preference for gender pronouns, PLEASE respect them by not misgendering them. Whether you understand it, agree or disagree with it, to them it is their identity and they deserve to be called what they want to be called.

 Last month, we went to our first Pride event. The big San Diego Pride Parade was only a couple month after she had come out, and we just didn’t really feel prepared enough for what we would experience and whether we felt like it was an appropriate place for her. We chose to sit the big event out this year and prepare better for next year. This event we went to was much smaller so we felt it was the perfect way to get our feet wet. When we got out of the car Olivia tied her pride flag around her neck like a cape. As we walked in and started checking everything out I glanced over at her. The three of us walked hand in hand, with Olivia in the middle. She had a HUGE smile on her face and was so excited to be in an environment where she felt the love and support from everyone around us. I thought to myself, “She is my SUPER HERO! Why the hell am I not sharing who she is with everyone?” I am so incredibly proud of her strength and courage. Everyone at the event was there for the same reason, to show love and support and to feel free to be themselves. The people that we met were so awesome and we all felt the feeling of community while we were there. Sure, there were a few people dressed in very little clothing, but Olivia has seen more skin on TV than on the people that were things that seen there. And the beautiful camaradery we saw and felt FAR outweighed those few "questionable" things we saw there.

For anyone thinking that this could be “just a phase”, just ask yourself this question. Why would Olivia choose to identify herself as part of the LGBTQ+ Community, just for the heck of it, knowing how much the community is misunderstood, and too often targeted? She was already being bullied last year for stupid things like the color of her hair, or how pale her skin is, and she stutters. Why would she choose to add one more thing to the plate if she wasn’t sure that she understood what she was feeling? I love the way Eileen Ross, director of a Mountain View, CA program for gay youth put it. She said “when a 12-year-old boy says he likes girls, No one says to them: 'Are you sure? You're too young to know if you like girls. It's probably just a phase.'" The article went on to say that we are totally accepting of people who "just know" that they're heterosexual from an early age, and we recognize that heterosexuality encompasses not just intercourse but also crushes, flirting and dating, behaviors many parents of middle-schoolers not only allowed but find charming. A "schoolboy crush" is usually considered cute — as long as it's on a girl. The important part is not to focus on whether Olivia will “grow out” of this or not. We will validate what she has shared with us and accept it and take her feelings seriously. If things change in the future, whatever the changes are, so be it. Again, it doesn’t matter.

Also, please be mindful of being vocal about how you feel about the LGBTQ+ community. The words you are saying or typing WILL have an impact on someone and you never know who that someone might be. I have unfortunately had a couple of situations in the last month where I signed on to Facebook and while scrolling through, and read a post on a friend’s page that really affected me. The things they were saying, they were saying about Olivia. Not directly, but when you are talking about members of the community, that is her.. As a human being it would be hard to read, but as a mother, it was devastating to now be reading those words and them be talking about something that actually affects my child. When you post about how you feel on certain Gay Rights issues, you are talking about my kid, and you never know if you might be talking about your own. Do you want your child to be able to come out confidently as a teen, or have to live with that secret for who knows how long? And if it’s not your own child it could very easily be your niece, nephew, cousin, brother, sister, etc. If this post does ONE thing, I hope that you will picture my child’s face when you are speaking about those things. If you couldn’t express your opinion to her face, or another person in your life who is not straight, then maybe you shouldn’t be saying them at all. The way I have physically reacted to reading some of these things, I cannot even imagine how it would feel hearing or reading those things if it were directed at me.

I shared the other day that Olivia has been struggling with major depression.. Part of what was weighing her down, I think, was not being able to be her true self. If we were to look at the timeline, it was most likely about the same time she really started exploring how she was feeling about her identity that the depression got into a scary situation. Once she came out to us, the weight slowly started to lift off. It was when we went and got her hair cut short for the first time in her life that I felt like we were seeing her authentic self. She transformed into a more confident, open person and we started seeing a smile on her face that had been pretty absent for a while. She changed her hair, changed the way she dresses, and those two changes made a massive difference in her spirit. It seemed like she might be feeling comfortable in her own skin for maybe the first time in her life. I shared the other day that my sweet child was struggling with thoughts of suicide. She had thoughts about killing herself multiple times a day at its worst. In an article, I was just reading they talked about a study where 22.8% of the LGBT youth attempted suicide in the year prior to being surveyed, as compared to only 6.6% of their straight counterparts. On top of this, over 8% of the LGBT youth's suicide attempts were serious (resulting in visits to the hospital), compared to 2% for heterosexual youth. MY child is NOT going to be part of those statistics. And I will love and support the youth whose family is not supportive because those suicide rates are NOT ok.

We are choosing to share this, with Olivia’s permission and because we want to be able to openly share our lives with you and we want everyone to know Olivia as her authentic self. Keeping such an important part of our life from everyone has not felt right. I walked around for months with a knot in the pit of my stomach. Not because I was ashamed, or sad, or angry, but because I felt like I was keeping a secret from people I cared about and we were living a double life. I felt like by not sharing, I might be giving my child the impression that I didn’t want anyone to know, and that is definitely not the case. In conversations, she had talked about wanting everything to be out in the open, so we are all on the same page about that. And since yesterday was National Coming Out Day, I figured that it would be the perfect time to rip the Band-Aid and share this post.

I have been a Christian all my life. Growing up there were a few people in our home church that I knew were gay, and I remember the way the church treated them. It seemed like the ones who were openly gay were definitely treated differently and so the thought of being open about Olivia scared me A LOT. Most of our family is Christian, and our closest friends down here are ones we have made through my amazing church. When I thought about how people might react, the idea that people’s reaction might cause us to be treated differently killed me inside. We love our church and we are very involved in serving. I had pictured the worst in my head and was prepared to have to find another church if too many of my church family’s reactions were not positive. So far, the people I have spoken to have been absolutely amazing. They have all reassured me that this changes nothing and have actually completely embraced us and have promised that they will continue to love and support our family. I believe that God formed this perfect person in my womb. She is perfectly and wonderfully made and He has a purpose and a plan for her life. Through my time in devotions and prayer I feel like God has encouraged me to be open about all of this because part of His plan for Olivia and our family is to open hearts and minds and make some people around us reflect on how they might have perceived people in the LGBTQ+ community. Also, I know that there are other families in my area who have not come out yet, or choose not to be open for whatever reason, and just by putting all of this out there they will know that there is someone that they can talk to and that they are not alone. No one should feel like they cannot be their authentic self, and I look forward to helping spread that message.

I was fortunate enough to have a very special friend at church who came out about her son a couple years ago I think it was. She was the first phone call I made. It was so comforting to be able to talk to her about my thoughts and concerns and have her be able to tell me her experiences. I have since met two other local Christian moms who have children who are out. And I am also in a really great Facebook Group that has over 2,000 Christian moms who have come together to support each other. I don't know what I would have done if I had not been invited into that group. And having three amazing ladies right here in my own town is awesome. Being able to sit down to lunch and share stories and experiences makes us feel a little less "different". The members of LGBTQ+ community and their allies are pretty dang awesome people and I am super proud to be part of it.

I realize that there will be some family and friends that won’t react well to all of this, and that’s ok. We don’t expect everyone to agree with it, but what I do expect is that you continue to love us the same today as you did yesterday. If you cannot embrace Olivia and accept her just the way she is, please scroll up to the top of this page, click on “Friends” and in the drop-down menu select “Unfriend”. I’m completely serious. I haven’t taken an inventory, and I don’t even look at my friends list, so I won’t even know you did it. Honestly, it will be the best for everyone involved. And if you have anything negative or unsupportive to say, don't say anything. Olivia WILL be reading the comments. So although I am asking you not to leave any negative comments, if you have a positive message that you would like her to see, I would encourage you to show Olivia just how loved and supported she is! If you have concerns that you would like to express, feel free to message me privately and we can have a conversation. But I refuse to let anyone post anything negative about this here on my page. If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say it here.

She had no problem coming out to us, because she has been raised in a home where we spoke openly about this kind of thing as we already had a family member who had come out. Josh and I have always spoken positively and in support of the LGBTQ+ community. So, she had no doubts that we meant what we have said when have told our kids through the years that they never needed to worry if someday they discovered they were not straight. Olivia was also confident in the fact that she is unconditionally loved and that she had people around her that would love and support her just the same. It absolutely breaks my heart that so many people cannot come out so easily and that they lose friends and family. I have already had the awesome experience of a handful of Liv’s friends, who are either not out yet to their families or they don’t have the support at home, call me Mom. Not only will I be “Mom” to whoever needs one, but I will be Mama Bear because I will protect these kids from hate as much as I can.

If you would like to try to understand all of this more, I invite you to continue reading and to click through the images that I have attached to this post. I know all of this is a little confusing but if you are interested, I would love to share some information. For those of you that choose to continue reading, thank you for loving Olivia enough to want to understand. I truly believe that Olivia’s story is going to change some hearts and minds about this topic, maybe even yours. She has always had something special about her. People are drawn to her and if you know her, you love her. Are you going to love her less or turn away from her now that you know she is not straight and doesn’t identify as just female? Trust me, it will be your loss. She is truly a special kid.

So, let’s start with the Pansexual part…

• The prefix "pan" originates from Greek, meaning "all" or "every". Pansexual people are attracted to all kinds of people, regardless of their gender, sex or presentation.

• A pansexual person believes that gender and sex are insignificant or irrelevant when it comes to sexual or emotional attraction to another.

As far as Genderqueer, hopefully this will help…

• Genderqueer is an umbrella term for any gender identity that is not strictly male or female. Because it encompasses so much variation, every person who identifies as genderqueer defines their gender differently.

• Genderqueer can enable individuals to flexibly explore their gender over time, experimenting and changing as they go, but it can also describe a steady sense of sitting somewhere in between the traditional binary boxes.

Now let's cover the difference between the sex you were born as, and your gender.

• Historically, the terms "sex" and "gender" have been used interchangeably, but, in modern society, their meanings are becoming increasingly distinct.

• The distinction between sex and gender differentiates sex (the anatomy of an individual's reproductive system, and secondary sex characteristics) from gender, which can refer to either social roles based on the sex of the person (gender role) or personal identification of one's own gender based on an internal awareness (gender identity).[1][2] In some circumstances, an individual's assigned sex and gender do not align, and the person may be transgender,[1] non-binary, or gender-nonconforming.

So, Olivia is the Rainbow sheep of our family and I am incredibly proud to be her mom. If you have read through until the end, thank you. You have no idea how much it means to us. Like I said before, I don’t expect everyone to like it or understand it. All I care about is that you love my child for who she is. If you are a person that feels so strongly about the LGBTQ+ community that you have no problem posting negative things about the community or their rights, its best you just unfriend me and move on. I do not want to have to read that crap. And I WILL be posting things occasionally on my page that involves events, clubs, rights, etc. So if you don’t want to see that, again, the unfriend option is up at the top of the page.

I believe in equality and I grew up hearing the scripture in Matthew 22 that says “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, and with all your mind. This is the greatest commandment. The second is like it, ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” If for whatever reason you find that you cannot love the LGBTQ+ Community, take a some time for self reflection because you cannot truly love others until you love yourself.